Craziness

Craziness is everywhere in todays world. Everywhere you go and everything you do has its own type of craziness. You can not escape craziness.

Example one of craziness in everyday life is the craziness between guys and girls. Think about, every guy says every girl is crazy and every girl says every guy is crazy. Why is this? Well some would say that it is because everyone is crazy in their own way. This is a valid point. No two people are exactly alike which leads to everyone having their own unique craziness. Another person might say that it is because guys and girls think way differently. This we all know is for sure true. Guys can not figure out how girls think and ration the way they do about things and girls can not figure out how guys think and ration the way they do. This clearly would lead to craziness between a guy and a girl. Yet another way this might be explained is in the theory that there is one guy and one girl in the world that match each other. So when a guy and a girl are together that do not match they both think the other one is crazy. All three of these theories all have the same answer on how to make a relationship work. Just find the one other person out there who you match with. Whether it is a match in craziness, a match in thinking style, or just that special match. The only problem with this answer to one of life's hardest questions is that you can not figure out who your match is unless you just give them a shot. You have to just search for that other person and hope that each new one is the one until you find the true one. This is because no one knows exactly what their own craziness, thinking style, or just personality uniqueness is. It is because of this that we can not fully describe ourselves to someone else, which prevents us from being able to find that match without just trying a relationship.

So my advice you everyone out there is to just give everyone that shows interest in you a shot, as long as you are single, because you never know who you will click with without trying. So even if the person is not your normal "type", give them a shot anyways. You never know how perfect something might turn out to be unless you try.

Mistakes

Today has been a very good day. I have realized many things today. Mostly because of some wise words and advice from a good friend of mine. He gave me the will and the confidence to change myself into someone better than what I have become. Continuing on the path I was on only would have lead to worse times, instead it's time to get back on the right path and straighten out. I've let myself fall into stupid habits and laziness over this past semester. But from this day on I will change that. It's time to get back towards the old Nate. Not all the way but somewhere in-between then and now. It will take work and sacrifice but its worth it. Even if it wasn't worth it to do it just for me it's worth it for one other reason.

FML

I finally find a girl that blows me away. She isn't my normal "type" but she is still beautiful, funny, smart, interesting, completely adorable, fun, and so many other things. But those aren't the reasons I like her. I honestly don't even know why I like her or what all it is about her that I like so much. But I do know that she is special and has what no other girl I have ever meet has. Things started before either of us even realized it. Neither of us realized we liked each other until all of our friends had already picked up on it. It just came natural to me. I didn't have to act or try to impress her. I was just me and she liked me. Once we realized that we both liked each other my world became perfect. We didn't spend all our time together but we did spend a lot together. We would do many different things, but one thing we always did was talk. We would just talk with each other for hours. I was truly happy and couldn't have asked for more. But then things ended about as fast as they started. She said that she just wasn't ready for a relationship and that she needed to figure stuff out with herself. So now I'm stuck alone but still absolutely crazy about her and there is nothing I can do but wait. We are still friends so we still hang out but it sucks. Every time I see her all I want to do is kiss her, or hold her, or just anything that gives me some kind of closeness to her. What makes it worst is that no matter how much pain I am in from this and no matter how much I want to tell her how I feel, I can't. I can't because right now she is doing what she needs to and me telling her any of this would just make it harder on her and I can't do that to her. I can only wait for her to be ready to give us a chance again. Even if it does take her a while to get ready I'll wait. She is worth it to me. I will deal with waiting. I just hope that one day she will be ready and that we will be able to try and make things work once again.

Love

The bible says that love is the greatest gift and I could not agree more. With love one feels as if they can do anything and that no matter what else happens, as long as they have that love, that they will be just fine. I have recently found this girl that just makes me feel alive again. The kind of alive that I have been missing in my life, the kind of alive that I have tried to replace with other things but they have never fully filled it. Now we have only been hanging out and together now for a total of a month and a week and I know that that is not a very long time, but I don't care. There is something about her that just draws me to her and makes me think about her constantly. I can not come up with just one thing that does this because the truth is that it is everything about her that makes me feel like this. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I am around her, and I still get nervous when I am talking to her and when I am with her. I get nervous that I am going to say something stupid or something wrong and that the one thing that is making me so happy I will have ruined. I get nervous about how I look even, and I'm not like that most of the time period. I normally don't really care what I look like, but with her I care even if we are just staying at my house watching a movie or something. Then even though she makes me so nervous, she makes me believe in myself at the same time. She makes me feel like I am important and that I can make a difference in this world. She makes me feel like I can fly, even when she is four hours away she still does. Then today after she left we where texting each other and she sent me a text that put the biggest grin on my face, and I couldn't stop grinning for the next five minutes. It wouldn't have mattered where I was or what kind of mood I was in when I got that text. I would have had that same grin on my face no matter what. Now after reading all of this and reading the title you probably think I am going to say I am in love with her, but I'm not. I do not believe I am that far yet. I really really really like her and everything about her, but I don't love her yet. There is no doubt in my mind that I will love her one day. I am starting to fall in love with her now, but I know that love is something truly special and that it gets thrown around to easily these days. I look forward to the day that I am truly in love with this amazing girl. Remember that love is something to be cherished and to be protected at all cost, never let it go.

Girls

Girls are not good for anything but friends. Just fuck trying to have anything besides friendship with them. I'm done with that garbage. From now on I am looking at girls as friends only, that way I wont get crushed anymore. All that has come from them so far is heartache so I'm done.

Relationships

Since I have came here to college this year there is one thing that I have learned more than anything else. That is that if you can manage to get into a relationship that actually means something to hang on to it because they are not easy to come by. I have been trying to get into a meaningful relationship all year and have failed miserably. I have found four girls that I thought I could have something with and each one has not worked out at all. One I ruined myself but that was because I thought something was going to actually happen with one of the others but it didn't. As much as I still consider them all my friends it sucks that I have been screwed over so much. I try to not worry about it and I try and just shut off my radar and not look for anything but its just really hard for me. Its hard because I want a meaningful relationship so bad and getting that idea out of my head is just hard. I don't really know what to do anymore. I want to try and turn off my radar but I don't know how well I will be able to. But I am also sick of being hurt and maybe that is finally great enough to get me to just shut down looking for someone. I have a lot of thinking to do here in the next week so there will probably be more posts soon.

Home

Today I went home to get a few things that I had left there over spring break. I got a ride from a good friend Andrew that lives in Brighton, the town next to mine. It was nice to be home with my parents and to be able to just sit and relax in the comfort of my own home. After my parents went to bed I sat in my living room on the computer just thinking about my life and everything that I have been going through. I have realized that even though this summer will be weird because all my friends from college will be scattered about, it will still be really great. I will be able to spend another summer with my family who I have truly missed throughout this school year. I will be able to spend a lot of time with both my mom and my dad now that they are both retired. Also I will be able to spend another whole summer with my best friend, my nephew Dakota. Also I will be able to do a bunch of thinking about what all has happened to me throughout this school year. In just the little time that I have been home so far I have already come across some good realizations about some recent things I have gone through. I have gone through some hardships with girls and relationships all year long. I have been trying to find a girl that I really connect with and can share something special with. But so far I have just been denied every time and in ways that just messed with my head. The last one I have been trying to develop something with has just completely messed with me. First she acts all happy about me telling her that I like her. Then she tells me she is in a really confusing situation and just doesn't know what she wants right now. Then one night I was out at a party and did something that I shouldn't have done but still wasn't really bad. So that ended that. Then I started to move on and she comes back to me saying that she thinks she made a mistake before and that she wanted to try again. Then later on that week we went out to lunch and talked a lot and she said that she just didn't want anything with me still. So I moved on and something started with another girl. It was going good and then one weekend she went home and that Friday night I went out with the original girl because we where still good friends and that night she told me basically that she liked me and wanted something with me. That came as a shock to me and I just didn't really know what to do that night because I didn't want to be the guy that starts something with someone then goes back to someone else and hurts that new person. So that night I told her no that I just couldn't do it. Then the next day all I could think about was the night before and how much I did still like her. That night I was out at a party and the original girl came and I had to talk to her about Friday night and what all I was going through and how I did still like her but didn't know what I was going to do about it still. She says no don't worry about it, it was a mistake for me to try anything last night anyways. That just made me crazy because I had been going nuts about Friday night and then get told to act like it didn't happen so I was clearly upset and I let her know that. Then I decided to walk my friend back to his room because he was not able to walk back by himself anymore. She told me that she would give us a ride but I told her no I would just walk with him. She said fine and then I started to walk outside and she said "what I don't get a goodbye hug?". I said okay fine and gave her a hug then walked out. Then as I got to the sidewalk I hear her come out of the house and say "Nate hold on." I walk up to her and asked her what she wanted and she said that she just had to know if something was truly there between us. So we kissed to find out if something was really there and it was, just like I thought. So I walked back to my dorm and sat around thinking for a while then went to bed. The next day I still couldn't figure out what I wanted to do about the whole situation so I made some things to try and help me figure it out. I ended up realizing that I liked the original girl a lot more and it wouldn't be fair to me to not give that a shot, plus the new girl had found out about the kiss and basically hated me now. So Monday I went to the original girl to tell her that I wanted to be with her and she told me no. She was going to give this other guy that had liked her for a long time a chance even though she thought he was just a rebound. So my life just sucked for a while. The worst part though is that ever since then she has been just giving me enough hope of something between us to not give up and move on. Then lately I realized that she is just using me as a backup plan and I'm not going to let her do that to me so I am done with her and it is great to have that weight off my shoulders. I realized that you can't just continue to like someone unconditionally even when they don't treat you very good. You have to learn to lookout for yourself and not let yourself be walked over just because you like someone a lot. Don't let yourself be blinded and ignorant because of your own emotions. Listen to your friends because they only want the best for you and they have outside and none biased opinions. They will always be there for you and are only trying to help. So even though this is something I am truly not very good at I am going to try to start getting better at it and also going to try to not put all my eggs in one basket because the majority of the time that will just end with you being crushed. This is all the things that I have been thinking about since I have been home and it's really nice to have been able to think of all of that. That is why this summer will be great and is why everyone should always cherish their home and the time they spend there.