Home

Today I went home to get a few things that I had left there over spring break. I got a ride from a good friend Andrew that lives in Brighton, the town next to mine. It was nice to be home with my parents and to be able to just sit and relax in the comfort of my own home. After my parents went to bed I sat in my living room on the computer just thinking about my life and everything that I have been going through. I have realized that even though this summer will be weird because all my friends from college will be scattered about, it will still be really great. I will be able to spend another summer with my family who I have truly missed throughout this school year. I will be able to spend a lot of time with both my mom and my dad now that they are both retired. Also I will be able to spend another whole summer with my best friend, my nephew Dakota. Also I will be able to do a bunch of thinking about what all has happened to me throughout this school year. In just the little time that I have been home so far I have already come across some good realizations about some recent things I have gone through. I have gone through some hardships with girls and relationships all year long. I have been trying to find a girl that I really connect with and can share something special with. But so far I have just been denied every time and in ways that just messed with my head. The last one I have been trying to develop something with has just completely messed with me. First she acts all happy about me telling her that I like her. Then she tells me she is in a really confusing situation and just doesn't know what she wants right now. Then one night I was out at a party and did something that I shouldn't have done but still wasn't really bad. So that ended that. Then I started to move on and she comes back to me saying that she thinks she made a mistake before and that she wanted to try again. Then later on that week we went out to lunch and talked a lot and she said that she just didn't want anything with me still. So I moved on and something started with another girl. It was going good and then one weekend she went home and that Friday night I went out with the original girl because we where still good friends and that night she told me basically that she liked me and wanted something with me. That came as a shock to me and I just didn't really know what to do that night because I didn't want to be the guy that starts something with someone then goes back to someone else and hurts that new person. So that night I told her no that I just couldn't do it. Then the next day all I could think about was the night before and how much I did still like her. That night I was out at a party and the original girl came and I had to talk to her about Friday night and what all I was going through and how I did still like her but didn't know what I was going to do about it still. She says no don't worry about it, it was a mistake for me to try anything last night anyways. That just made me crazy because I had been going nuts about Friday night and then get told to act like it didn't happen so I was clearly upset and I let her know that. Then I decided to walk my friend back to his room because he was not able to walk back by himself anymore. She told me that she would give us a ride but I told her no I would just walk with him. She said fine and then I started to walk outside and she said "what I don't get a goodbye hug?". I said okay fine and gave her a hug then walked out. Then as I got to the sidewalk I hear her come out of the house and say "Nate hold on." I walk up to her and asked her what she wanted and she said that she just had to know if something was truly there between us. So we kissed to find out if something was really there and it was, just like I thought. So I walked back to my dorm and sat around thinking for a while then went to bed. The next day I still couldn't figure out what I wanted to do about the whole situation so I made some things to try and help me figure it out. I ended up realizing that I liked the original girl a lot more and it wouldn't be fair to me to not give that a shot, plus the new girl had found out about the kiss and basically hated me now. So Monday I went to the original girl to tell her that I wanted to be with her and she told me no. She was going to give this other guy that had liked her for a long time a chance even though she thought he was just a rebound. So my life just sucked for a while. The worst part though is that ever since then she has been just giving me enough hope of something between us to not give up and move on. Then lately I realized that she is just using me as a backup plan and I'm not going to let her do that to me so I am done with her and it is great to have that weight off my shoulders. I realized that you can't just continue to like someone unconditionally even when they don't treat you very good. You have to learn to lookout for yourself and not let yourself be walked over just because you like someone a lot. Don't let yourself be blinded and ignorant because of your own emotions. Listen to your friends because they only want the best for you and they have outside and none biased opinions. They will always be there for you and are only trying to help. So even though this is something I am truly not very good at I am going to try to start getting better at it and also going to try to not put all my eggs in one basket because the majority of the time that will just end with you being crushed. This is all the things that I have been thinking about since I have been home and it's really nice to have been able to think of all of that. That is why this summer will be great and is why everyone should always cherish their home and the time they spend there.

Realization

Today I figured out what my true dream in life is. It is to find true love and to have a family with that person. To give my everything to that person. To have kids and watch them grow and to help them in any way possible. Then once they have grown up and are on their own to grow old with the one I love. I want to make someone happier than they have ever been before. To make their life better than they ever dreamed it could be. I don’t care anymore if I am happy or not. I just want the all the people I care about to be happy even if that means I am miserable. So if my dream is not meant to come true, so be it. My life is not about me, it is about those I care about. I am truly a hopeless romantic and right now it just seems as if that will never come true in my life. But I can deal with that as long as I know the ones I care about are happy. I want to be happy, I really do and I think that there is someone out there that only I can make a certain level of happiness but I just don’t know if I will ever find them. If I don’t I hope and pray that they end up being happy enough to have a good life. True love is something worth sacrificing everything else for to me. If I ever get that I will do what ever it takes to make that love last forever. I now hope that my actions will speak louder than these words ever could and I pray that I will have the strength to do that and the willpower to do so. Right now I am so afraid that I am about to be hurt just about as bad as I ever have been before but I am going to continue to put myself out there and have faith that the one I care about now will not hurt me, but if she does I will not be angry at her at all. I will completely understand. I will suck up all my pain and do my best to move on even though I feel that if I am hurt like this again that I will completely give up on my own happiness and just dedicate myself to helping others. I understand what it would be like to be a superhero and have to give up my own wishes and happiness so that others can have it instead. I am willing to do this. I don’t care how bad it hurts me, if that is what I see needs to be done I will do it. I know God has a plan for me in this life. I just hope that it includes my happiness. If not I will accept that do my best to do whatever it is that he wants me to do. I am going to do my best to love everyone around me. Even those that hurt me, because I know that they are better than I am and their happiness is more important to me than mine. I have been blessed in this life, with all of those that are around me. I need to and plan on treating them better than I have in the past. For they are what is important in my life and I realize this now. My goal for everyday is do what ever I can to make everyones life/day around me better because I was a part of it no matter how big or how small, no matter what it cost me. I believe in true love, I have seen it in some of the people in my life I just hope that I will see it in everyone in my life, and if there is true love out there somewhere for me I hope I find it and cherish it forever. I hope and pray that the love I feel now for all those around me is true love, that which will last forever and will never ask for anything in return. I sometimes wish that I was a character in a movie or in a tv show that I like a lot, but I now realize that if this where true I would not be here, and would not be able to help all of those that I will help in my life and all those that I have already helped. I pray that I will remember this everyday and use it everyday. I pray that I will remember and use all of what I have wrote and am still yet to write and use all of it everyday.